An Absolutely Ordinary Rainbow by Les Murray

The word goes round Repins,
the murmur goes round Lorenzinis,
at Tattersalls, men look up from sheets of numbers,
the Stock Exchange scribblers forget the chalk in their hands
and men with bread in their pockets leave the Greek Club:
There's a fellow crying in Martin Place. They can't stop him.

The first stanza establishes the Sydney area, a distinct national icon that represents the "rich" carefree idealistic view of a city. It is clearly illustrated that the imagery evokes a particular emotional stigma that establishes the reason for the poem itself. "Men look up from sheets of numbers, the Stock Exchange scribblers forget the chalk in their hands" the sense of shock is conveyed through imagery as the reader is left pondering over what the 'big deal' is. "There's a fellow crying in Martin Place. They can't stop him" Murray connects with his reader on a personal level as he doesn't describe the 'fellow' thus we can imagine someone we know in his place, this provocation attracts his audience to read further.

The traffic in George Street is banked up for half a mile
and drained of motion. The crowds are edgy with talk
and more crowds come hurrying. Many run in the back streets
which minutes ago were busy main streets, pointing:
There's a fellow weeping down there. No one can stop him.

The second stanza furthers this particular "mini story" and uses repetition to reinforce the subject matter of the poem itself "There's a fellow weeping down there. No one can stop him". "The traffic in George Street is banked up for half a mile and drained of motion" the imagery used gives the reader a sense of congestion and busyness and it is here that we understand that the man (subject) is particularly important. "The crowds are edgy with talk and more crowds come hurrying" Murray cleverly uses subtle onomatopoeia and imagery in which we can understand as it is situated in our everyday lives to further engage his reader.

The man we surround, the man no one approaches
simply weeps, and does not cover it, weeps
not like a child, not like the wind, like a man
and does not declaim it, nor beat his breast, nor even
sob very loudly—yet the dignity of his weeping

holds us back from his space, the hollow he makes about him
in the midday light, in his pentagram of sorrow,
and uniforms back in the crowd who tried to seize him
stare out at him, and feel, with amazement, their minds
longing for tears as children for a rainbow.

The third and fourth stanza focuses mainly on the subject matter and the significance of the man's "weeping". "(he) Weeps... like a man, and does not declaim it, nor beat his breast, nor even sob very loudly – yet the dignity of his weeping" the imagery here demands attention and an emotional response, Murray continues to evoke feelings of sympathy and a sense of catharsis within his readers by dictating that this man is a person with extreme dignity. The fourth stanza is a continuation of the third which engages and invites the reader to continue reading. "In his pentagram of sorrow, and uniforms back in the crown who tried to seize him stare out at him, and feel, with amazement, their minds longing for tears as a child for a rainbow" the powerful image conveyed by Murray through these lines make the man seem almost like a god. The innocence of a child longing for a rainbow reiterates the importance of his tears giving everyone who is clearly mesmerized a sense of 'release' as they recognise their own needs.

Some will say, in the years to come, a halo
or force stood around him. There is no such thing.
Some will say they were shocked and would have stopped him
but they will not have been there. The fiercest manhood,
the toughest reserve, the slickest wit amongst us

trembles with silence, and burns with unexpected
judgements of peace. Some in the concourse scream
who thought themselves happy. Only the smallest children
and such as look out of Paradise come near him
and sit at his feet, with dogs and dusty pigeons.

"Some will say, in the years to come, a halo or force stood around him." Murray subtly uses imagery to illustrate the man as a god-like figure, the 'halo' or 'force' surrounding him is a fundamental symbol of power and he, perhaps can even be regarded a symbol of humanity's dignity and loss of innocence within the modern, westernised world. "Only the smallest and such look out of Paradise come near him and sit at his feet, with dogs and dusty pigeons" again, the imagery used powerfully represents Murray's character is juxtaposed ironically as a god and someone to be hated at the same time, the sense of loneliness from the man is emphasised as we understand that only children; who are symbols of innocence, dogs; a man's best friend and dusty pigeons; a lonely atmosphere are the only ones who "come near him".

Ridiculous, says a man near me, and stops
his mouth with his hands, as if it uttered vomit—
and I see a woman, shining, stretch her hand
and shake as she receives the gift of weeping;
as many as follow her also receive it

and many weep for sheer acceptance, and more
refuse to weep for fear of all acceptance,
but the weeping man, like the earth, requires nothing,
the man who weeps ignores us, and cries out
of his writhen face and ordinary body

not words, but grief, not messages, but sorrow,
hard as the earth, sheer, present as the sea—
and when he stops, he simply walks between us
mopping his face with the dignity of one
man who has wept, and now has finished weeping.

Evading believers, he hurries off down Pitt Street.

"I see a woman, shining, stretch her hand and shake as she receives the gift of weeping; as many as follow her also to receive it" although the poet uses the man's weeping metaphorically as a "gift" the imagery can be established of the woman reaching towards the man to claim a powerful gift of catharsis (cleansing sadness) this further reiterates the fundamental ideal of the man being a symbol of someone god-like. "the man who weeps ignores us, and cries out of his writhen face and ordinary body not words, but grief, not messages, but sorrow, hard as the earth, sheer, present as the sea--- and when he stops, he simply walks between us mopping his face with the dignity of one man who has wept and has now finished weeping. Evading believers, he hurried off down Pitt Street." Although the imagery within these lines are not intentionally powerful, the sentimental ideals are acutely significant. When the man walks away, we ourselves can see a person in our minds walking away carrying the utmost metaphoric ideal of dignity and power within him, the lines emphasize his importance, and how he is not god-like, but rather simply a man carrying on with his life, giving others a chance to share his gift of weeping.

Coincidence. It's a funny thing hey?

I feel caught up in a world of solitary. Maybe i like it. Maybe i don't. I don't even know myself.

I've gotten myself into a bit of strife with this guy. Pathetic, i know. I've gotten deep second thoughts on what i was doing and took a good look at what i've been doing basically since i've gotten my heart broken (Ha, sounds like a classic cliche don't you think?), i can sum it up in one word, rebounds. I'm tired of my conscience playing on me, telling me all i'm doing is playing with someones head. It's a sin you know? One i seem to constantly follow.

"We may choose to turn a blind eye from potential heartbreaks. Or simply take them in our stride as yet another dissapointment. You shall never feel my affection. Soothe my sorrows. Calm my fury"

When my heart jumped. I do believe it was purely because there was a strong ignition of a memory. I can't control how i feel, but i can sit down & rethink about it. Makes all the difference i guess, thinking everything out. You sort things out, you make sense of things. You understand.

Anyways. I was haunted again. In my sleep, in my thoughts. All because of him. Pretty sure you know who he is by now. He's basically the main character of this diary (Online diary, i should say). This dream was vivid and painful. A reminder or what i never got, never will get. But still holding onto.

I dreamt I talked to him again, I dreamt I was in fury. Spilled out everything. I asked him why he left, with not even a goodbye, why he kept me hanging on to this grain of hope, a chance in a gazillion it would ever happen. Pathetic i know. Then there it was again, his reasoning. And my mind i guess, was used to it. His pathetic excuses. The excuses i created to make me hurt less. In the dream, he told me he couldn't call, text back and or anything.. simply because he'd lost his phone. He couldn't contact me because all his contact ties had been broken, and the excuse i was most used to, the one i tried hard to accept. He was working. I guess it does make things difficult. Anyways, we simply talked. I was angry, like always. Too stubborn to be soft, too hurt to comprehend the sudden come-back (This is all still a dream). Then the dream took a change, he apologized. This apology hurt, because my mind conjured up that voice, that reminder. The last phone call he had made where he had apologized for his work. How he couldn't spend time with me because of it, how he was going to try harder. Well, whatever, as usual (only towards him) i accepted his apology. I literally melted in the dream. Because when he apologized, he took my face by the chin with his hand & kissed me. (Oh yes, i remember my dream so vividly it hurts) At that moment in the dream. He was perfect. He was so perfect it hurt.
I could have died in that dream, ecstatic with content. With happiness. Only woke up to find myself lost. Confused & dazed with pain. (Emotionally of course) Then that wave of confusion & memories entered my world, the memories i thought were too pathetic to hurt over, and here i sit.

I remembered alot of things today. When he told me he gets all these "funny" feelings around me. It was the most adorable thing he had ever said, and stunned as i was. I managed to nervously giggle. When he used to swear at me for his friends sake (I'm not one for these, but the way he swears at me always made me giggle at how pathetic his attempt to insult me was) he changed his tone when they were a distance away, and he said in the most tiniest whisper. "I Miss You" in viet (and again. I HATE it when people say anything in viet to me, but wow. His comment stunned me) i kept recalling it for days on. It drove me to the point of euphoria.
I went to sport today. I was depressed, to be honest. Oh maybe the PMS kicked in too so that made things 10x more emotional than they should have been. Remembered that day when he texted me that he had actually cried over one of my blog entries. I melted like butter in 100 degrees. And i went to the toilets just to call him. Ha. Pathetic i know.
I probably miss him because of how raw he was. How he took my trust by mistake, how honest and different he was, he cared when nobody else did. At my most vulnerable time. That time where i attempted suicide several times, i didn't have anybody, and he was there. Like a miracle. He was everything i wanted in a man. Mature, understanding, protective, nice, mean, sensitive in JUST the right way, needing, different, intensely sweet, knew his path in life, prioritised. I could seriously go on foreverrrr! But yes. Whatever. I know he's not just going to waltz back into my life with some pathetic excuse.

I'm holding onto air. Might seem like nothing, but it is something, and until i get over everything completely. I'm just not emotionally stable to handle a new 'boyfriend'.

Anyways. The book i picked up is truely a GREAT read. I believe it relates to everything i'm feeling, experiencing in one way or another.

Ill type down the first page. Amazing it is, the wording, precision. The emotion.

Dear diary,
The year is beggining. It doesn't start from scratch though, or from a clean slate. Life is forever starting in the middle of things. Causes are hard to trace, resolutions are frail and distant. life is an endless middle of unknown cycles. I feel i must make some recording of this, capture these movements so that I may learn, or help ... yes, I'm forever helping, it seems. It's not a case of martydom or self-sacrifice. Through helping friends, we help ourselves. So, what i shall record will be about them, and thus -- and only then -- about me.

But, for a moment, me ... Lately, I haven't been able to decide whether i should be happy with what i have and where i am now, or if i should question it. It seems that every time something happens I want to know why, and i am constantly looking for something bigger and better. I listen to other people on the outside, who i believe are so wise and in control that i am reminded of how i used to be, but now, ... who knows? Who knows where i have gone now? Everyone else wonders why i am the person i am now. But if they knew me then ... well ... I don't know. Thats the big issue. I love them. They're my friends. Yet sometimes i don't know whether i can continue with this. Other times i ask myself, "Continue like what? What exactly am i doing in life?" Doesn't everyone always say, "There is something better than this? You can be more than this." And at times I think I have heard way to much of that bullshit. But do i really like where i am? Or who i am? It's just that now things aren't like they used to be. I can't just drift on anymore. It's been a long time now, and it feels like forever. So really, where do i go? How do i get there? Sometimes i think there is no place for me to go now. Everyone is somewhere else and for some reason they all left me here. I'm siting here with so many openn doors, yet my feet have lost the will to take me there, All i can do is stand here, lifeless, watching these doors close oner after another.

So I stand here and drift on, questioning everything that has ever happened. Questioning my life. Questioning myself.
girl_X

(Must write to the producers) - Awesome hey? I love how it just relates to the sense of confusion. It shows that others DO feel the same way and that you are NOT alone. Even though its extremely difficult for me to take in. I feel her.

Well anyways, it's been a long depressing, moody day. I'm going to head off to read the remains of the book.

I Will keep updates on the 'cool parts'. I won't write out the whole book. I hope. I might breach copyright laws. Uh oh. Ha!

Annie.

It's been quite a while since i last blogged. Haven't had the time, too lazy. Nothing all that interesting to blog about anyways. I went camp, it was suprisingly enjoying. I went absailing, sailing, rock climbing & a few other activities i can't remember at the moment.

The view was so calm & suprisingly relaxing. Beautiful it was. It was overlooking a lake or so, and it just looked endless. Awesome view.

Anywho. I think Mr. You-Know-Who is out to get me again. Can't he take the hint that i don't want a relationship with him? And i understand i am being completely hypocritical & just a plain bitch at the moment. But i don't want to be stuck in this horrendous endless spiral of a loveless, heartless, cold & agonising relationship. There's simply no point when your not in love.

What is love anyways? Just an infringement of the mind i assume. So why does it differ from infatuation? Lust? What IS love? Is it the faint anger you feel when you see them with somebody else getting comfortable? Jelousy is the word. Is it those butterflies you get, that twist your stomache in a knot when they get near? I've often heard that was only infatuation. I don't understand it, and why that, when i search. There's nobody in sight, no-one wants to hold you to make those invisible feelings of loneliness fade away. But when i decide on leaving it. Not believing in it. It chases me back.

Well obviously it is somehow linked to one of my fascinatingly boring blogs once more. The more personal break.

I met an irresistably nice person over the internet. I attended his school once-upon-a-time, but i never really took note to him. Seemed to find his MSN contact on my list one day & as you would with a stranger, i asked him who he was. From there we simply chatted along. We got along pretty well. Absurd really, because this is over the internet. He's currently doing his HSC and well, we just talked. Days passed by & thats all it was. A neutral relationship. No feelings, not any sudden interest. He didn't want love. I didn't want love. Well we ended up webcaming. It was G rated, for those of you who don't have a straight mind. The whole experience mostly consisted of us smiling over the internet. Some comments he made actually made me "giddy" inside. Pathetic i am.

Well this was yesterday, we webcamed till four in the morning (Today). I understand i'm insane. He told me i was one of the first girls he was "comfortable" with, i think he got the desired effect. Arranged to "bump" into each other at the library. After chemistry tutor i went to Cab. library to "bump" into him & supposedly "study". After all, he's got to study for his HSC. A few minutes or so of attempting to study and most of the time just chatting. I followed him around for him to do his errands. Then he offered to buy me a drink. I didn't want it, but he insisted. (Around this time i was growing anxious of what was going to happen, he seemed to be getting "closer") He pulled up his chair super close & got comfortable. I swear i lost track of what i was saying & or doing when he touched me. Then without warning, he just kissed me on the cheek. I had a little spastic attack. Stopped breathing for a fraction of a second & just drank the drink he bought me. I almost choked. He obviously found it amusing, because he kept doing it. I just kept finding it harder to breathe. With this strange feeling of contentment. I had the strongest feeling of pain.

After a while of me talking, he put his face right up close to mine, i basically lost track of the world & concentrated on not going insane. He kissed my lips, so randomly & there it was. My world spun & i couldn't breathe. We ended up going to the park just talking & chilling out.

I was on the swing, just talking as he listened. He's a good listener. He notices the most tiniest details even i wouldn't be bothered remembering. He remembered what necklace i was wearing, what finger my ring was on. I was a little bit overthrown with this sudden attention. Why me? Out of all the girls he talks to, out of all the chicks he knows. They all seem to be much prettier than i am. They have a better smile & everything that goes.

He doesn't like that fact i'm not a virgin. Let me wonder. Does it make me less human to have loved? Does it change who i am? Am i a more horrible person for doing it? What does it change?

"You have more experience"
What does it matter? Does experience change who i am? Does it change the way i smile? Does it affect my ability to love another? Does it fuck up who i am?

Does kissing him make me a cheap tart? I constantly said that & i feel it. Maybe the thrill of kissing a random girl is exhilirating.

Were contemplating the idea of boyfriend/girlfriend. We're just friends. After HSC etc. He has to take me out on a few dates before i make up my mind on whether or not he can be my official boyfriend. Right now, he's just the potential-boyfriend. I wonder how far he's willing to go to actually make me want him. Because i told him i had already given up on love. And he, as i recall never wanted to love again. I also think he wants a commitment filled relationship. I gotta prepare myself for a heartbreak.

= ="

Anywho, i might just blog later about yesterday. I cooked jennifer a dinner. Small birthday but an awesome family-like celebration.

We were discussing future plans. Were buying an apartment in the city. Donson & i were cooking & enjoying our conversation. I love the whole thing we three have. So comfortable with them. I'd wear my trackies & they wouldn't care. I'd look my ugliest & they wouldn't shrug me off. These people are keepers & i wouldn't trade them for a pack of skanks at all. I love these people to bits.

&& fcukmedead. I've written yet another novel. LOL

i'll be back later tonight to continue the blogging.

AU REVOIR. <3

IM TIRED. But i feel like blogging.

DEPRESSING SECTION;

I'm psychologically at a disadvantage, thats no fair.

I Hate School. More than ever, i'm so sick of everything that comes from it, i've had enough. Enough of the people, enough of the bitches, enough of the dickheads, enough of the teachers, enough of the loneliness, enough of the "new" friends i've made. I've had Enough.

Lets explain why hey? Well it was year 12's last day and they put together this huge shebang for their final. It was so depressing for me because i'll never get to actually have one of those and actually feel as though i'm a part of it. I left all the most important people behind. The people who grew up with me through school, the ones that had embarrassing moments and the ones that were there to watch mine. The people i laughed the hardest with, and cried the most painful tears with.

The people in MY new fancy school have all grown up together, they've experienced the shit life throws at you & they stick together. 

& as a contrast, all the shit life threw at us at bonny -- the grade basically stuck together as a large extended FAMILY. We were there for each other even though there were slight differences. You could always fall back on someone. And here, what am i? a fucking newbie nobody wants. well you know what.

Fuck you's all.

I got teary when yr 12 walked out of the doors. I'm never going to see my friends like they were a year ago. I'm never going to see the old Bonnyrigg because everyone is scattered. And it's so hard to keep up when your falling too far behind. I don't WANT my new friends, I WANT my OLD friends. The people who were ALWAYS there for me. I WANT THEM BACK. i'd trade these people for that group ANY DAY and i know it sounds selfless, it sounds selfish. But i can't help it.

Maybe it's the loneliness getting to me, huh -- i'm surrounded by a crowd & people who claim to care, but i feel so alone. So alone.

The irritation of how you can view these people to be so two faced and fucking stuck up it's just not funny. That brings me to mention. Grace* is so annoying it's not funny, shes stuck up and bitchy. She stole my pen (it costed me a deal okay? ==") :@ So much for being such a RICH bitch aye? :@ just keep up with that high pitched voice of yours. YOUR SO FUCKING IRRITATING.

Maybe thats what. I just can't fucking STAND these people. CANT STAND THEM.

Thats what made me walk out those fucking gates with a single goodbye. Didn't even hug them. I was so fucking irritated.

I Miss Bonnyrigg. & that's whats fucking me up.

well i dont nessecarily have any HAPPY news so i'm going to leave it at that.

this whole entry just DID not make sense to me. I'm in such a mix of emotions, they dont even make sense.

This song so relates to how i'm feeling -- Except nobody cares anymore

Matchbox 20 - Unwell

All day
Staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night
Hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something
Hold on
I'm feeling like I'm headed for a
Breakdown
I don't know why
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
Me
Talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
I know
I know they've all been talking 'bout me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong
With me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow
I've lost my mind
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
I been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're taking me away
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
Hey, how I used to be
How I used to be, yeah
Well I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be

Well i completed my english, history/geography, commerce exam today.

*sigh ~ i'm no good at school, but i would really like to be.

Anyways, lets just recall the muddled events of the past day or so.

English exam was okay i guess, i was in the mood so it was okay. Afterwards i was wondering if i should go home or not ~ chose not to & went to David's mansion (no i am not exaggerating, its so BIG and COOL) we ordered pizza and such, i attempted to read over a few history notes. That didn't go too well. I ended up lazing around since i was surrounded by boys, there wasnt really anything for me to do. Josh hogged the computer and Jimmy and David were playing halo 2 on the xbox. I was just sitting around strumming his guitar to entertain myself.

We all ended up eating and we were all having a conversation with David's sister Janet. Shes a nice girl . Well we did what we did, and i cleaned up with Janets help. Boys will be boys. Well anyways, i had nothing to do so i just slept on his bed. LOL thank god i woke up with my clothes in tact! Well i ended up hopping on the computer waiting for my dad to pick me up. (He got super lost)

I ended up just sitting around watching the boys play basketball. Damn degrading for me! LOL i felt like a man = ="

Well anyways, i had the initial thought of "study, study, study" in my head. After almost a chapter of reading i gave up. I was too uhm. Something ~ to study x)

I JUMPED ON NET. I WENT HIGH ~ pumped up the music & cruised through time. I was chatting to Daniel and we had a super intetresting conversation. LOL
Well, maybe just to me ;)

NGAR. maybe its getting close the "that time of the month" ROFL -- i was kinky ? = =" that ain't normal for me .. ! LOLS

ANYWHO. As by the words of my best friend "Were on a damn man drought or someshit"  WHERES ALL THE MEN WHEN YOU WANNA HAVE FUN?

xD I've ruled out these whilst i was being uhm, kinky? LOL

- SCREW RELATIONSHIPS, heres some reasons why.

- Relationships are time consuming. Yeah i figured that out while trying to steal someone else's time.
- Relationships expect constant attention. You can't abandon them for fun.
- Relationships involve commitment. 1 and a half years of shit showed me the way.
- Relationships have strings attatched to everything. Can't go out without the other person knowing, can't look at another guy without being accused of shit. Can't do shit.
- Relationships demand too much.

Anywho. Can't find a man that respects me anyway ~

I'm simply out to have fun now =) don't need a man to have fun xD ROFL , i've got my first victim down pat. There ain't no strings attatched to me & him, simply just hookin' up for fun xD

ANYWAYS - to that person who hasnt replied in forever x 10000000

Your too fucking late. I've given up on you boo, even though theres these thought of you sometimes. Hah ~ don't feel guilty having fun anymore. I'm gon' do whatever the fuck i like, with whoever the fuck i like ! Just like you.

& trust me, when i fall in love with someone else. You'd be the first to know ;)

anyways . I FUCKING MISSED OUT ON JOES CONCERT - imma go suicide. ROFL jks!

I LOVE JOE !

( Joe - You Should Know me )  playing right NOW. It's so sweeeeettt xD

1 out of 7 tests. Hoping that i'd be able to swing by carnivale for a few hours before heading to school for my Visual Arts exam. I hate art, pointless & not to mention a waste of time.

I completed my math exam today. It was horrific! I felt like i was on a roll for the first 20 - 30 minutes, then there was My Teacher's section. (Notice how it's in bold? My teacher finds it amusing to torture us with Hell Hard math questions, in my opinion, its simply sadistic) Well me & Tara had the same fear, not wanting to open up the damn test. Had no choice-- Arrgh.

I feel a FAIL coming on. :@

Anyways, enough about that. I ended up getting a lift to Centro Bankstown. Went around with theresa & her mum for a while, then we split. I found it utterly strange & uncomfortable being there. Well, my mum came to the rescue just before i was going to journey out looking for the train station. Thank God she did. Well, i stood there hyperventilating because there were a few people staring at me funny. ==" Not polite. Well, my mum wanted to pick me up, so i went & waited for her. In the damn carpark, some bastard felt topshit & honked his horn at me. Go get a life, losers.

- Im continuing on my PERSONAL blog =)

Apparently, John* got a scholarship to UTS. Thats actually really great! I'm excited for him! It's a amazing what some people can achieve. He's not even in yr 12 yet. Wow, were all growing up. I seem to be taking it in a bit as an overwhelming experience. Mixed in shock & reality. Theres only 2 years left of school.

ANYWAYS. i'm gone ~

=D

I think there’s something wrong with me & although I’ve repeated this about a million trillion times, this time, I’ve actually taken time out to recognise why, and I guess understand my situation.

What do you do, when your best friend, the one you know will never be replaced. The one you know life would be difficult to live without, the person that you leaned on every time your heart broke, the person that understood everything that you were going through, the one that could make you laugh till you cried, the one where your fights would hurt more than the break up of your first love, the person you depended on to protect you, the one you ran to every time you had a hard time at home, the one you loved like a sister, maybe even more. What would you do if you lost her? Lost her to something you couldn’t fight, something you couldn’t help her with. Something that would change her forever, something that would make the two of you strangers, you wouldn’t be able to take it in & after almost two years, it still hurts to think of her.

What would you do? Do you smile and pretend everything is okay? Do you carry on like nothing happened? Try your best to forget? Move on. It’s the only option you have.

How do you cope, when family’s taking a toll on you, pushing you further away from everything, the people you trust seem to hate you.

What do you do, when you just start rebuilding your life, trusting & loving the people you grew up with in high school, you love them & wouldn’t have it any other way. What do you do when you leave them to help a relative you love. You move to a new school, away from everything… in solitude. What happens when she betrays you? What happens when you can’t forgive her? But it’s too late to turn around now, your stuck with this stupid new school. You’ve left all your friends behind, you don’t connect with them like you used to, and you miss them, miss them like crazy & you can’t do ANYTHING. What do you do when the new friends you make are so different to what your comfortable with, they all have somebody, but you, you have nobody. Your alone. There’s nobody to talk to, nobody understands, nobody cares. NOBODY.

You break up with the guy you’ve been going out with for a year & a half. You loved him, but not in the right way, felt he wasn’t enough… but he was the only person that cared, he was the only person who stuck by you through everything, kept you sane. He started to get on your nerves & you left him. You miss him, miss him for being the strong one in the relationship, miss him for being your best friend, miss him for giving you comfort every time you needed it. But you have to move on without him, because he drags you down.

You’ve lost everybody, & even though your best friends every now & then give you a ring to see how your going, come over a few times just to keep you from breaking down. It’s not the same. Nothing will ever be the same

& this boy your crushing over, he doesn’t give a shit about you. Your merely an annoyance to him. You know that & you hate it. But your so damn attatched to him.

-         Anyways. I’ve got to stop this nonsense, feel like some pessimistic. PPFFFTT. I know I should let the guy go, I mean nothing to him. I know I should start moving on, but its always in the back of my head.

FUCKING SCHOOL :@

I miss bonny so so much =(

I miss my friends & everbody =(

relationships are overrated. making me go insane, i want him, he doesn't want me back, what more can i do?

BLARGH. :@

Sometimes we just fall apart, expecting someone to put us back together. Sometimes we expect a miracle, one we understand won't ever come.

I miss you & it's so wrong because i shouldn't =( but i do, i really do.

what would you do if i turned on you now? would you let me leave or give up the chase? how would you react if i told you i was in love with another? what would you say if i had told you another made me smile the way you do? how would it feel? just questions that will linger in my head, but i don't. I've made up my mind, i want you & it'd be my fault this time around if you hurt me.

blargh.

i just really miss you & i'm sorry if you don't feel the same way. 

I'm in doubt, if your falling in love again, with another maybe? If everything you say are just beautiful lies i so longingly love to hear. Because during times like this before -- it wasn't me you were after, it was her & i was sitting here just like before -- trusting you. I can't seem to place reality into this. It's so messed up ! Oh you've got me going crazy.

Tynisha Keli - I Wished You Loved Me -- you remember that?

How can someone make me so sad but still i only want them to stay, i wanna say i love you so bad, but i don't wanna scare you away, please, i wish that you'll understand, that i wanna be more than just your friend, i wish you loved me.

I feel so strange when ; i think of you, talk to you, dream of you, do anything related to you.

it hurts & makes me so happy at the same time. I've already explained why it is, but hey, whatever ~

Je manqué vous

i miss you

Zomgsh.

I feel like it’s been decades since I last blogged. I’ve been so super-busy & I will be again! Three weeks till trials =( I’ve been hating school lately, I don’t want it to end so fast. I’ve been so lazy.

I MUST.

- Study for Maths, like crazy.
- Study for English, needs improvement
- Study for Science, FCUKING TEACHER. I lost my text book & I have to go to Parra & buy a new one without my parents knowing, oh golly gosh will I have fun.

- Study for Commerce – loving the legal =)
- Study for History – oh good ol’ history.
- Study for Geography – your mum
- Study for Visual Arts – your mum x10
- Study for whatever the hell comes up.

School has been so repetitive & I’m bored of it. I’m amazed and scared of how fast the time seems to slip away nowadays, what will become of me in five years time? I’m scared of that possibility, change is never easy. I’ve moved into a GREAT new school I’m getting used to it, I’m making friends, & I love them. I just don’t have Time. I miss my old friends so so MUCH, and it’s been so hard to keep up with them! One of my best friends has a boyfriend! It’s so, surreal – and it’s not because of her, OR him – it’s simply because, I’ve been slipping away from my core friends and I miss them. There is no use crying, but I can’t help it – change is inevitable, I understand. I just don’t want to accept & that makes everything so damn hard!

I has an excursion on Friday to the country!
heres a bimbo moment to laugh about -

I see A LOT of sheep from the bus
” OMGSH ! LOOK AT THE FISH ! ”

Nice aye? LOL, I didn’t mean to be a bimbo = =”

ANYWAYS. Moving on, the country was GREAT, I would actually love to spend a day or two out there, in solitude. It’d be so peaceful & nice, but I’m a city girl, so if you leave me out there for too long. I’d panic BIGTIME! The view there was awesome, though I didn’t want to take too much time out to look @ it. It was nice though ~

I got completely into a French song that’s absolutely SEXY, it’s rekindled my love for WANTING to learn the language, so I whipped out my French book & told myself I WILL learn the language. I’ll place a list of my “wants & to do’s” later on. WELL I’m completely in LOVE with that song.

Bobby Valentino ft. Leslie - Accorde Moi

 [Intro]
[Bobby V.] :
Yeah, This is for those broken hearts...
Valentino, Leslie, From the Atlanta.
[Leslie] :
Candy smoothness.
[Bobby V.] :
All the way from France.

[1st Part]
[Leslie] :
J'ai commis pour toi bien trop d'erreurs,
Plus qu'il n'en faut,
Pourtant je respecte,
Je crois chacun de tes mots.
[Bobby V.] :
Looking at a picture,
reminicing all the good times.
I'm tired of arguing,
I don't wanna fight, No.
[Leslie] :
Pourquoi perdre tant de temps
Car au fond tu as toujours su ce que je ressent.

[Bobby V.] :
Even thow you did me wrong,
You're the only one for me.
I wanna take you back,
But it's so hard for me.

[Refrain]
[Leslie] :
Accorde moi cette dernière danse,
Juste une dernière chance de retarder ton départ.
Accorde moi bien plus de temps,
Ma vie en depend sans toi je perdrais deja (ma vie).
[Bobby V.] :
Can't take no more,
Can't take no more.

[2nd Part]
[Leslie] :
Tu passera tout ce que j'ai batti, Tout une vie
Pourquoi m'avoir dit de si belles choses et me forcer à oublier.

[Bobby V.] :
I guess you realize, Girl how hard I tried
Because no man is gonna treat you like I do
[Leslie] :
Et t'avoir prouvé tout mon désespoir
Je préfère y croire
J'ai tant besoin de toi

[Refrain]
[Leslie] :
Accorde moi cette dernière danse,
Juste une dernière chance de retarder ton départ.
[Bobby V.] :
Baby I can take another day, coz I wanna stay,
Girl I need you in my life .

[3rd Part]
[Leslie] :
Je t'ai laisser mener notre histoire, comme tu l'entendais,
Sans jamais baisser les bras.
Si rien n'empêche que tu t'en aille
Je suis condamné à souffrir où que j'aille.
[Bobby V.] :
Can't take no more,
Can't take no more
Can't take no...
[Leslie] :
Ton silence me fait violence,
Tu m'as quitté sans indulgence,
Sans compassion, je me sens si seule.

[Refrain] x2.5
[Leslie] :
Accorde moi cette dernière danse,
Juste une dernière chance de retarder ton départ.
[Bobby V.] :
Baby I can take another day, coz I wanna stay,
Girl I need you in my life .

[Outro]
[Bobby V.] :
Sing it for me Leslie, Bobby Valentino, Leslie, Yeah

=)

ANYWAYS, personal notes =) you all scramble on to read ;) LOL

I’ve decided to give him the last chance he has, oh god, I hate that these feelings can so easily stomp on my pride.

My heart jumps just a few times when I think of him. God damn it, what’s wrong with me?
I’ve been taught to forgive at the same moment he decided to waltz back into my life, I HAVE forgiven him, which I find is pretty brave of me – I asked him to prove it & he tells me I don’t believe him & to leave him alone. Wow, another punch in the face & I’m back explaining what “proof” means. I cannot believe how weak and degraded I sound, and I cannot believe how easily I can just forgive him. I’ve come to a final conclusion that can sort of explain this, I’m Falling In Love. No, I don’t like that word, no, no. I really REFUSE to believe it, I DON’T WANT TO fall in LOVE. But how, how can I miss him the way I do? How can I hurt the way I do? How can I feel the way I do? How can I be so weak? Am I insane? =S I’m so ashamed of myself, and I really hope one day something positive can come out of this experience.

I’m totally at fault if my heart gets broken, and I’m totally at fault if I get hurt. I’m the one that gave him the second chance – but I really would like to get some things out.

What are you going to do when she wants you again? Tell her you miss her? The way you missed me? How are you going to react when she wants you? Are you going to leave me? The way you did before? I don’t know if you could see, but I was really hurt, not normal hurt, but a strange kind of pain I hadn’t felt in years. It really hurt when you told me you were “In Love” with another and I just couldn’t understand, why? I’m not quite prepared for you to walk out again, so I’m simply asking you. Your lies simply ignited feelings for me, feelings I couldn’t register because they were long forgotten, your lies also left me in pain, in tears. I tried to be so strong, pretending everything was okay, I hurt for about a week, I was in hurt & I smothered it with distractions, anything to keep the thought of you away, but when I fell asleep I seemed to dream of you, & I don’t know how I managed, but it did happen & that scared me to sleep. I didn’t want to sleep. I just couldn’t understand it. I tried to go on net when you weren’t on, but you were on sometimes even when I watched myself. I tried to go on when you were at work, but I missed talking to you & that killed. Unbelievable~ When you & me had that little spill on net a few days before your message, I was so tempted to text you sorry, I was so tempted. I didn’t because there was simply no reason to me, what you threw in my face was a fraction of what I had said to you. You basically threw in my face “I don’t care about you anymore, your annoying & I love somebody else, go away” I was simply JOKING when I told you, you weren’t special. You should have meant less that nothing to me. When you texted me that you missed me, I basically immediately forgave you, but I couldn’t forget what you did. That’s why I was so bitter towards you.

After everything, I don’t know what to say – I’m in a mix of a miracle and doubt at the same time.
Our phone calls, our text messages. They make me want you more and I am so scared. I don’t want you to leave me again. I don’t want you to tell me your in love with another completely out of nowhere again. I don’t want to hear such appealing lies from you.

I love it, when you tell me you miss me. My heart jumps. My heart jumps in joy & pain – joy because you actually answered me, pain because I’m in denial of your words. But I love it anyways.
I love our conversations, they never seem to make sense, but they always leave me smiling like a complete moron.

I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what you want, I want you to want me – but I don’t know if that would ever be. I feel so stupid when I think of you. I should be letting you go – I just can’t seem to leave this trancelike state you’ve trapped me in. Tell me what you want, because I really want you. I’m so into you, god damn it, wish I wasn’t, cause then it wouldn’t hurt the way it has, I wouldn’t be so crazy about you & I wouldn’t miss you. But I do. I’m crazy about you & I miss you.

“ I miss you so much it hurts ! “ That’s got me so happy lately. I cannot understand myself. I feel exactly the same way.

ANYWAYS. My TO DO list & my ambitions =)

- Study French for three years & take a trip to Paris ! =) (after uni & such, that is)
- Law & Psychology (Macquarie uni)
- Amsterdam after year 12 for 2 weeks
- live with Jackie & Donson, PARTY @ THE CITY ! =)
- learn to play the piano =)
- singing lessons LOLS
- DANCING LESSONS
- ill figure them out later on =) LOLS

Pourquoi m'avoir dit de si belles choses et me forcer à oublier?

(Why did you tell me such beautiful things to force me to forget?)

Jessica Simpson – I think I’m in love

Every time you'r near baby
I get kinda crazy in my head for you
I don't know what to do
And oh baby
I get kinda shaky when they mention you
I just lose my cool
My friends tell me
Something has come over me
And I think I know what it is

[CHORUS]
I think I'm in love
Boy I think that I'm in love with you
I'll be doin silly things when it comes to you
Boy I think that I'm in love with you
I've been telling all my friends what I feel for you

Just the other night baby
I saw you hangin
You were with your crew I was with mine too
You took me by surprise
When you turn and look me in my eyes
Boy you really blow my mind

I don't know what's gotten into me
But, I think I know what it is

[CHORUS]
I think I'm in love
Boy I think that I'm in love with you
I've been doin silly things when it comes to you
In love, boy I think that I'm in love with you
I've been tellin all my friends what I feel for you

Boy I think that I'm in love with you
I've been doin silly things when it comes to you
In love, boy I think that I'm in love with you
I've been tellin all my friends what I feel for you

Something strange has come over me
Got me going out of my mind
Never met a guy like you before
You make me feel special inside

[CHORUS]
I think I'm in love
Boy I think that I'm in love with you
I've been doin silly things when it comes to you
Boy I think I'm in love with you
I've been tellin all my friends what I feel for you

Boy I think that I'm in love with you
I've been doin silly things when it comes to you
Boy I think I'm in love with you
I've been tellin all my friends what I feel for you

Boy I think that I'm in love with you
I've been doin silly things when it comes to you
Boy I think I'm in love with you
I've been tellin all my friends what I feel for you

(repeat til fade)

Jessica Simpson – Heart of innocence

"hello, good morning, how you do? What makes your rising sun so new? I could use a fresh beginning too, all of my regrets are nothing new"

" I never knew that I could fall like that, never knew I could hurt this bad "

Switchfoot – Learning To Breathe

School was COLD today, I entered having a bitchass hair day, gronkness. Double visual arts, I was hopping along, hoping the teacher wouldn't notice me doing nothing but look up skittles on net. That reminds me ! – for my project thing, I'm making cushions of skittles ! I hope it turns out well, I've got to complete it by Friday next week & I've got to do 3! :@ stupid teacher.  Well I managed to escape the double period. & look what awaited; double maths. The teacher wasn't here, but we still had to do work, reminds me also that I haven't had a free period in god knows how long?! – I hate congruent triangles & such, I slipped through those two periods feeling tired & stupid, THEN was science, we finished off some multiple choice things and the guy next to me was so annoying, I just wanted to give him a backhand! :@ I was in a state of apathy, simply not caring about anything or anyone. Then next thing you know, SQUASH TIME. LOLS. At least that was a HUGE uplift in my day, I walked in & saw an asian guy, I dunno if he was cute or not, but I was like "ooh asian guy!" LOL and Theresa was laughing LOLS … "annie shut up! wth ahaha" and I heard him say "ASIAN" as well, maybe he was thinking the same thing? LOLS we got herded upstairs, we weren't aloud to check out the boys from LaSalle =( BUT YEH. Me & Theresa ended up talking our way through squash & it was a GREAT talk! – reminiscing about ex boyfriends & such, were so lame. LOL but it was a heartfelt GOOD conversation & then she struck up something I was a bit... OMGWTF at, no names are to be mentioned. 'What would happen if me & Annie went out, she's been getting close to me & hgfd lately" fuck? = =" I HATE IT when I lean on some close guy friends & they somehow FIND feelings that were "never there" before it ruins the whole relationship! Your all good & stuff, then "I like you" comes along. NO what the hell?! I don't WANT you to like me! I LOVE the relationship I have with my guy friends. They are the ones I turn to when times get rough, they make me smile when there's nothing to smile at. ESPECIALLY JIM, I LOVE my relationship with him... I could hug him for forever & it still wouldn't feel wrong, but if you told me to hold his hand... I WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO cause its TOO wrong, he's like one of my best friends, I LOVE him like he loves food x)  he LISTENS to me, tries to understand, and even if he doesn't, his pretending is pretty good x) that's why I love him. He's like, the quiet best friend that like, you could do coupley stuff with but not feel uncomfortable... except I can't hold his hand. = =" LOL or like whatever further—SNUGGLEBUDDY =)  I WOULD CRY IF JIM SAID HE LIKED ME. I seriously would! Cause it'd reck everything! SEE where I'm coming from? I might be jumping to conclusions & I seriously hope I am, but I cannot have *ahem* like me. He's like, one of the guys I've been leaning on lately =( OH WELLS.

ME & THERESA'S TALK WAS MIGHTY FINE. & when I was waiting for my dad, it RAINED like a bitch =( & my umbrella broke? = =" cheapass asian shit. LOL

` My ankles hurt from shuffling yesterday = =" I'm so noob x)
` I walked into a door/wall = =" I'm so pro at being a ditz
` I lost my pencil case, I raged for about 10 minutes until I realised it was next to my bag all along. = =" told you I was pro ! LOL

& I talked to HIM , it didn't hurt surprisingly =) IM A STRONG GIRL x) I probably beat superman in this department ! x) LOL "the emotional attack, Annie vs. Superman"

I'm drifting in a trance of apathy. But I'm still okay =)

CAB LIBRARY TOMORROW ! ANNIE, JIMMY, RICHARD & KHANH, & MAYBE DAVID ! =) anybody else? ;) LOL